No!

Say “yes” to your needs! 

Even though I am personally a great friend of “yes” and “just do it”, I recognise in “no” one of the most important words that you and I should always say, especially in the working world.

“For me, a ‘no’ to something is a ‘yes’ to myself.”

Our working world in transition

Digitalisation and technologisation are changing our activities, work processes, place of work and also working hours quite significantly. This offers opportunities for reconciling family, work and private life and also leaves room for individual needs. Not without limits, of course, because many of us do not work autonomously, but together with other people. This is precisely where we encounter a challenge of this time: if the changing world of work leaves more room for individuality on the one hand, it also requires us to keep our individual limits in mind. It is about protecting our physical and also mental health, and thus also maintaining our work motivation and productivity.

In particular, self-responsible work from different locations, hybrid, at a distance, remote – whatever you want to call it – means that we are no longer as close (spatially) as we used to be. In the past, we were reminded by colleagues to go to lunch or to take breaks. There were little moments of movement in our everyday working life; the way to the coffee kitchen was longer than the way from the kitchen table to the coffee machine. And we went home at the end of the day, closed the office door behind us, drove home for a while and it was clear that we would not switch on the PC again to “briefly check the e-mails”. And today?

Today, in the hectic pace of the day, we often don’t even notice the automatisms that have already crept into the “new way of working”. It takes a certain alertness, perhaps also mindfulness, to sense how we are really feeling at the moment.

“Do I really want what I am doing right now?” is therefore an important question that you should ask yourself again and again. The question addresses mindfulness and how you keep this in mind – with a consciously formulated “no” or two – is what I would like to describe in this article.

An example of a rather quiet “no”

Paul receives several emails with to-dos from his manager on Monday morning. All of them were sent on Sunday night. This gives him the impression that the tasks are to be completed quickly. However, Monday morning serves him to structure and plan the next few days. He starts the week rather calmly, without immediately falling into a hectic state. Inwardly, a dialogue arises that possibly leads to a “No, I will not start with these to-dos now, but start the day with a look at my priority list and then consciously arrange my to-dos for the coming week”.

Here Paul said “no” inwardly and took good care of himself. In principle, it is helpful for and in companies to negotiate digitalisation rules of the game.¹ Such rules of the game make it clear when to react to what and how. In this way, employees are given the go-ahead to say “no” within the given framework, and misunderstandings in cooperation are avoided.

Since such rules of the game do not yet exist in every company, we often have to rely on ourselves to keep ourselves mentally in balance and thus also to maintain our motivation and productivity in the long term. A quote to help us achieve more awareness comes from Viktor Frankl:

“Between stimulus and reaction there is a space. We should use this, because this is the path to freedom.”

Applied concretely, this means pausing at events and questioning what is really needed at the moment. And reflection questions such as

• What does this do to me?
• Is it good for me and my work?
• Why is this so important?

help.

You can only do your work well if you feel good. This sounds very simple in theory, but in the hectic pace of life it is often not.

An example of a rather loud “no”

In many companies it can be observed that appointments for meetings are made during the lunch break. Sometimes this scheduling is accompanied by the justification that this would be the only jointly available appointment. Sometimes even this poor justification is missing.

If there are no digitalisation or meeting rules in the company that say that lunch time should be kept free of appointments, it is up to each individual to say or even write: “No, I can’t at that time. I am taking a break. I need this time for myself.

The following reflection questions can be asked:

• How do I behave in such a situation?
• What is common practice in my company?
• And how easy is it for me to say “no”?

Not reacting or doing things quickly

A virtual, inefficiently facilitated meeting takes place. Tasks are buzzing around. Claudia has the impression that she has to take responsibility. Her inner voices are screaming: “After all, no one else will do it and the meeting will take forever”. Actually, Claudia already had enough to do, but the sense of responsibility inside her got loud. A few days later she is stressed, annoyed, reacts irritably to colleagues. If only she had kept her mouth shut and not got involved with the additional to-dos.

Or “I’ll do it again quickly”. The children are picked up from daycare, the plan was not to switch on the laptop and check the emails today. Too late. Roman was already reading the incoming emails. The one message was already very bad, so we had to act immediately. Three hours later, tired and worn out, Roman goes to bed. 11 p.m. again, he briefly scrolls through his Instagram timeline. 6 hours later, he wakes up exhausted and wonders why he is already awake. The alarm doesn’t go off for another hour…

How can a “no” become possible?

A “no” needs a solid basis and the answer to the question: “What do I need at this moment?”

Reflection questions for this are, for example:

• What are my personal goals?
• What are the goals in the team?
• What are the goals of the company I work for?
• What does my work require?

Personally, I always start with myself in a healthy egoistic way and see how I can get my needs in line with the needs of the others involved. Getting all individual needs met at all times in the world of work – and not only here – is simply unrealistic. It’s about negotiation and one’s own limits, which need to be kept in view. And therefore the following question is very important.

• How am I really doing right now?

Only if you know how you feel can you deduce what you need at that particular moment and communicate this accordingly to the outside world.

Stumbling blocks in sight

There are situations in which, no matter how attentive you are, your inner programme, your mental model does not allow you to say “no”. For example, no to superiors. “I’m not allowed to disagree”, perhaps also “I’m not allowed to take myself more seriously than others”. Or as above: “If not me, who else will do it?

If such voices sound familiar, it is worth listening more closely and questioning whether they are true and you should follow them, or whether they can be rephrased and transformed. Rephrased, the sentences would be more like “I am allowed to keep my boundaries.”, “I am allowed to say ‘no’.” or “I should be fine.”. However, it is sometimes a long way to get there.

Another stumbling block can be the way the “no” is conveyed. I would like to refer here to all the books and models by Friedemann Schulz von Thun² and would also like to remind you of the GfK Model by Rosenberg³. If we let our needs speak out of us without reproach, hopefully there will not be too many moments of friction or conflict with other participants. However, you should not only pay attention to your own needs, but also keep a close eye on the interaction with colleagues, employees and superiors.

Help on the way to “No”

On the one hand I am sorry, on the other hand I feel it is the great happiness of an adult human being: We have it in our own hands. Only rarely do others take over decisions for us. It is up to us.

“A decision against one thing is always a decision for another thing.”

If you become clear about what kind of person, perhaps also what kind of employee or leader you want to be, it may be easier for you to live according to your inner guidelines and motives. For me, this inner clarity is always the starting signal for a change.

On the path of change it is also helpful to build up a social network of supporters. Companions who remind us of the path we wanted to take and stand by our side. Attentiveness and patience are needed, because change needs attention and above all time. And so hopefully you will soon say “no” instead of “yes” at the appropriate moment.

Notes (mostly in German):

Sandra Brauer has recorded a great video on the topic “Was tun, wenn Du merkst, dass es gerade alles zu viel wird?”.

If you like the post or want to discuss it, feel free to share it with your network.

Sandra Brauer has published other articles on the t2informatik blog, including:

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